I Love You, You Love Me
by tempus terere
Summary: Things escalate when Barney shoots Paul, and the world will never be the same again. — Ash, Dawn, Paul, Barney and dead Brock


A/N: This was supposed to be an April 1st fic, but it's turned into an unfunny one without any pranks and lots of violence instead.

Warning: Major randomness, character deaths and mentions of guns and violence. (Hey, at least it was meant in a funny way!)

Disclaimer: The title is (obviously?) a quote from the lyrics of one of Barney's songs and I don't own it. That also applies for all the characters in this. So sad, I know.

"I love You, You love Me"

". . . we are a happy family." - Or why it is ALWAYS a crime to break the fourth wall and you should never abuse a certain purple dinosaur's name. A Pokémon Crack-fic.

April 1st was a beautiful day, the sun shone brightly down on our heroes, *insert random bird pokémon* were singing and everything was just perfectly wonderful. In fact, it was so great, that our three favourite never aging travellers were almost happy as soon as they saw a certain broody figure approaching. How could they tell the person was broody? Well, I have a question for you, too. Why don't you leave and play 'hide and go flip yourself'? Besides, you can see it in somebody's aura when they're brooding.

Anyway, they weren't _really_ happy to see him, since, well, nobody was happy when meeting _Paul_. You see, Paul was a stupid gay emo asshole-jerkwad, and also his secret identity was Barney. It was common sense, probably even a kind of unspoken law for everyone in Sinnoh, that every time you run into Paul you mustn't neglect the opportunity to call him all the aforementioned terms. (Every additional insult gains you extra points.)

Ash, by the way, currently had 5687 points in his account along with Dawn as a close second, who had 5663. How much points Brock had scored, we will never know, but seeing as he is boring, it's not important anyway.

"Hey, look! It's Barney!" Ash sneered right away, as always wanting to be the first one in the word war. Inwardly, he cheered. He was getting closer and closer to crack the record – 6000! (Which was held, just for your information, by Paul's elder brother Reggie.)

Paul merely scowled, because that's about everything he can do. Besides cutting his wrists, of course.

"Barney, Barney!" Dawn echoed and stuck out her tongue. Her piplup and Pikachu clapped applause. Brock wasn't doing anything of interest, as usual, so we'll just skip his actions from now on.

Paul still did nothing but scowl. Granted, he was pretty pissed, since it was approximately the thirtieth time he got insulted today, but he was too worn out from chopping the last poor soul that had been brave enough to call him that name into little pieces to actually do something against it.

In the meantime, Ash and Dawn had started singing Paul's 'nickname' and danced to it. They kept this up for ten minutes, while Paul continued to stare, until they grew tired and let themselves fall into the grass. Somewhere behind them in the bushes Brock was dying.

"Are you quite finished?" Paul asked at last, from the corner of his eye glancing at his watch. He had a pedicure appointment at two-thirty.

"Ooh," Ash gushed with a fake smile. "Is Paulie busy today?" Dawn snickered in the background.

This did it. Nobody was allowed to call him 'Paulie' except his Mommy! Filled with rage, he roared, "What is it with you people and insulting me for no apparent reason?!" Little did he know that this was what Ash and Dawn had wanted. Their faces radiating with delight, they grinned at each other.

"Ah, but Paul," Dawn warbled so sweetly, it almost made her own stomach turn. "Isn't it the truth?"

"What is?"

"That you're Barney!" Ash chimed in, blissfully aware of the popping veins on the other's temples. Annoying Stupid Paul (as he liked to call him) was always so much fun.

"NO!" Paul hollered from the top of his lungs and in all caps, causing more veins to appear on his forehead. His face's colour was almost as purple as his hair. "NO, IT'S NOT!"

Instantly, the smirks on the other two's faces vanished. They hadn't expected him to get _that_ angry. Oh, how they wished Brock was still alive, so he could be their living shield. Since he was dead, though, they had no choice but to hide behind a giant rock that happened to be conveniently nearby.

Paul, however, appeared to be clever enough to see through their ingenious plan, walked around the rock (even if he was furious, there was no reason for him to be wasting precious energy on running) and barked, "Why for fuck's sake would you believe I'm Barney, anyway?"

Ash and Dawn exchanged worried looks, before asking in unison, "So you're really not him?"

At this very second, a gunshot could be heard amongst girlish screaming and an obnoxious gurgling noise made by Paul, who fell to the ground as soon as the bullet hit his heart directly.

Dawn's head snapped around to see who had been the culprit as Ash decided it was more appealing to crouch behind her in fear. Out of the bushes a tall and purple dinosaur emerged, nonchalantly crushing Brock's head with the first step he took. He wore David Caruso-esque sunglasses and carried a machine gun.

"Who," Dawn choked out and her whole body shivered, "Who are you?"

The dinosaur cocked a non-existing eyebrow, before remembering that this was the show in which the characters could think of totally bitching battle strategies but not figure out who people were, even though they were merely wearing a moustache/sunglasses/etc.

"I'm your fucking God; the name's Barney," he replied, taking off his sunglasses just like his great example. "And now you may worship me and kiss my feet."

They did, and after this April 1st no-one dared to misuse the name 'Barney' ever again.

The End.

Inspired by BitersweetRomanticide and snappleducated.


End file.
